Clinging to Permanance

The rock in the stream has the illusion of permanence, as does the mountain, the valley, the forest, the air, the sun, the moon, and the oceans, yet they are not.  To build a house on a rock is merely to place something that is impermanent onto something else that is impermanent, albeit slower, the end is ultimately the same. The earthquake destroys the rock and sun and tempests destroy the house no matter where it is built.

This week has been a rough one for clinging.  Churches cling to dogma like their existence depends on it.  Love is a word used to describe segregation and make people feel like what they might view as wrong is right, clinging to the firm belief in righteous permanence.  Permanence is what makes us think we continue to be right unflinchingly as the world changes around us, begins to criticize us, and we in turn deem it persecution because we are right,  permanently, like a rock.  I think to seek security in permanence is a form of mindlessness (mindlessness is not stupidity, to me it is more a cessation of self awareness or self determination).  To close the mind to new interpretations.  To doubt our doubts, to shut off thought, isn't this but an illusion of security in the end?

A baby clings to the permanence it believes is it's Mother.  A grown up might cling to a person who claims they literally speak to God for you, and then slowly mutate their image of God to what the man describes.  A merciful God who fulfilled the Mosaic law can become an unmerciful one bent on enforcing rituals, ordinances, and such.  The names don't change, but the content does, this is calling impermanence permanence but it is difficult to believe that impermanence is permanence if one is mindful and considers all sides and history of an issue and looks at results.  Christ taught that by their fruits ye shall know them.  Very wise advice.  Incidentally, fruit is a very impermanent thing, in constant change..

I don't believe these people are bad or inferior, I believe it is a natural part of being human.  Our position on the food chain is dictated by our ability to band together.  There are many ways humans band together and select their leaders.  There is no way not to be a natural man.  Religion is natural,  is there a time that human's have not had it?  Are there not religions all over the earth with members loudly proclaiming they know it is true,  and in some cases even killing themselves to show the depth of their conviction?  Even many animals have instincts which could be construed as a distant relative of religion.  I can't tell you that the people are unhappy or happy as a result, that is something only they know.

When we delegate our mindfulness to others,   we give them authority over us, that in itself can be a problem.  Conversely, it's human nature to have power go to your head and get caught up in it even if you originally started out as the altruistic rebel trying to topple the tyranny and dogma.  Sooner or later the rebel discovers the usefulness of dogma and we are back where we started.

In the end we are all connected.  Those who desire, those who attempt to minimize it, those who embrace the concept of permanence, those who come to grips with the aspects of impermanence,  we will all come to the same end.  We will all mix our atoms with the earth and more largely the universe.  There is no way not to be part of it.  Some of us will be more successful in limiting the impact of suffering and some won't, by chance, or by choice.  Understanding the nature of impermanence, I will err on the side of causing as little suffering as I can.

Ponderizing the Bi-Annual Instructions.

Conference weekend.   Admittedly I didn't see a whole lot of it I confess.  I did see a few sessions though.  It is interesting watching from the outside.  I find it amazing how different something can appear between when you believe in the man talking and when you don't.
 
On the subject of doubt for instance, Buddha encouraged doubt of even his own teachings, much of what I heard this conference was about avoiding doubt.  Ignoring doubt.  Stifling doubt.  Before I flipped I would have heard this as encouragement to stay the course.  I would have considered ignoring doubt a place of safety, by denying anything different from what I believed as lies, I could rest confident in what I knew.   This was a very difficult position to maintain as I tend to observe patterns in organizations and behaviors in comparison to their actions and think about them so the cognitive dissonance was becoming very painful.
 
So, back to doubt.  Can a mind truly be free of deception without it?  If one is not allowed to verify, how does one keep from being conned or taken in or running willy nilly with every rumor flying around their facebook feeds and email accounts?  How is one to be truly mindful if one restricts the bounds of the mind?

On another level, presumably the reason for this doubt is the attainment of something after this life which is permanent, requiring us to pass a test beset with logical stumbling blocks constantly placed in our way to the point that nothing we believe is independently verifiable or else we should not have faith.  I have observed nothing permanent in my life as of yet and the scientific jury would say there is really not anything that is permanent.  How can one know something without doubt?  Knowledge without verification is a guess.  But perhaps I am falling victim to the error of the faithless.

In any case, when feelings aren't to be trusted and emotions distracting, what is left but doubt to gain a good direction? To question, to investigate, to confirm before we embark on the next leg of our journey? 

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Lots of talk about trial and suffering and peace in Sunday School.  All the answers were external of course except for prayer,  prayer is almost a hybrid between external and internal and can arguably be called a form of meditation.  There was talk of the temple bringing peace and this caused me to think.  I have indeed found the temple to be a peaceful place.   The question of course is,  was this because that was a place I stopped to meditate and think about things other than the day to day tasks,  or due to some real outside influence?

Back in the day I would feel the same peace just before drifting off to sleep after saying my prayers, and admittedly, even without the latter I still feel the same thing when drifting off.  I often get the same peace sitting on the zafu (meditation cushion),  or even taking a moment off to the side to slow down and meditate.  I am no longer continually chasing peace as a result of  continuing the constant mutual reassurances among the group  telling each other it is true and brings peace.   Well,  whether it is true/factual or not, I don't find that all the constant meetings and the constant visiting people to checkup on them once a month and getting constantly harangued about not doing more has brought me peace.  I find that the more honest I become with myself in this matter, the more peace I feel.

Of course, this places me in opposition to my tribe.  I am the sore thumb.  I am the one sitting in the congregation smiling up at the leaders on the stand with their responsible scowls.  One thing I will say for Elder Perry,  he had a smile on his face and he looked happy,  even when he was on the stand. I don't know what the scowl means.  It might just be their "stand" face, I have seen them smiling elsewhere.  It is not for me to speculate if they are truly happy, at peace,  or being dishonest with themselves.  I am honest with myself and I have peace.  Happiness comes, trial comes, satisfaction comes, hardship comes, there is want,  there is need, there is plenty  all of this is fine.  It's what is and I accept that.  People are what they are.  If they want to know what helps me,  I will tell them,  but I will not push them to do anything,  I am no expert in their life,  their experiences, their desires,  their passions, their sufferings, that is a position only they hold.  I am satisfied and at peace being me.

Question Everything

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

Siddhartha Gautama-Buddha

I thought of this quote on Sunday.  I can't really remember what the speakers talked about.   I remember disagreeing with much of it.  Primarily I noticed that things they talked about in the beginning of their talks contradicted the endings somewhat.  Sometimes I think in this life we get into an "Emperors New Clothes" mentality.  We learn to think that the 1st modus operandi for us is to not question those we view as being in authority.  The Milgram experiments and many that follow can illuminate quite a bit on the dangers of this.  There is not a lot of direction in the New Testament about following your leaders even when they are wrong.  There is quite a bit about having an internal moral compass and reigning condemnation on those in authority.  

Anyway,  I digress.  I find a different world through observation and questioning.  Questioning motives, questioning logic, questioning reasons,  questioning results, and questioning authority.  My results personally have come out on a different side than everyone else's.   Sometimes I was right sometimes they were.  Logic dictates that authority should always be right if they are to always be followed without question.  So there is an issue there.   I was torn in two ways for a long time and I am coming to understand why.  If you have the same perspective  as your leaders do, then it is easier to be happy patting each other on the back in your common view.  If your revelation differs from others fairly regularly?  Well that makes life difficult in a world when everyone is supposed to have revelation but the revelation is only true if it matches the next in line of authority whose revelation is only true if it is in line with the next in line in authority and so on.  

So I am left questioning, in an effort to continue in a path of inner peace and contentment.   Not that there aren't hiccups.  There are just no longer 95% hiccups and are now closer to 5% hiccups.  I can sit in church and allow myself to disagree,  I can serve where I see a need for service,  I can be free to choose to be good for good's sake in a way I am capable of,  in a sustainable way considering my circumstances, in a genuine way, not a way that requires fighting myself and creating inner discord.

So through questioning I begin to understand.  Through questioning and allowing myself to accept the answer and not dismissing it as wrong because someone else thinks it is, I find truth may be hard to stomach at times, but it usually brings about peace once accepted.  Peace that comes from within constantly replenishes when accepted for what it is and desire doesn't interfere.  As opposed to peace that comes from without,  which can be variable as we move through the various situations of life.

you say I enjoy what?

Church recently has been all about what to do on the Sabbath day.  This is often hard for me to resolve because God rested on the Sabbath and supposedly he is the example,  It doesn't mention anything about meetings or Lords work.  Christ said the Sabbath is for man and not the other way around.  One of the things that finally pushed me off the ledge so to speak was being told what would bring me rest on the Sabbath and that always left me feeling mentally exhausted from the weekend on Monday.  In a word it sounds like doublespeak to me.  Anyway,  it eventually wore me down and now I realize what others think might be best for me might not actually be so and the world is not binary.
So how does this correlate to Buddhism?  I suppose I was suffering and lieing to myself saying I wasn't.  If desire causes suffering what was the desire here?  I suppose a desire to reach the point where all this provided fulfillment, the arrival,  the promised peace I was supposed to have but never seemed to reach.
Another take on it is mindfullness.   Yes mindfullness.  I think the issue here was delegating my mindfullness to someone else and not analyzing the true issue instead of being told what my issues were by someone whose authority I took without question.   Hmmm,  seems like I've heard this challenge to question attributed to buddhist teaching somewhere.  With no exceptions implied,  one is encouraged to even question the teachings of Buddha himself.  Do mindfullness and questioning go together?
I think mindfullness and questioning have everything to do with each other.  So I guess, as I sit in church every Sunday questioning what is being said, I am being mindfull.  Am I right in containing my questioning to myself so as to not antagonize others? I think so.   That would be loving kindness.
So, I do not find meetings restfull inasmuch as I am not with my family.  I do not consider staring into a computer screen a good portion of the day to digitize the names of someone long dead from a hard to read historical document restfull either.  Staring at a screen and documents is what I do all week,  it is not rest or rejuvinating in the slightest.  I do admit that it might be for some though and I will not criticize anyone who finds it so.  Anyway,  those are my thoughts.  I need to be mentally rejuvinated after the weekend, and it turns out, when I approach it mindully I come up with a much different set of activities.  It's a small wonder I got as far as I did.

Comfort in Knowing

I spend my life among a people who take strength in the concept of knowing what will happen.  Not necessarily what is about to happen, but what will happen after death.  This life is somehow tolerable if we have hope all will be made right after.  I don't really wish to discuss whether there is a life after this one or not.  Only to muse on why it is so critical that we know exactly what lies beyond in order to be happy.

Many is the meeting I have sat through where people have expressed gratitude that they aren't like the other people who don't know what they know about the afterlife.  People become very preoccupied with death being the end.  Why would not having anything after this life matter so much?  We would cease feeling pain.  Why the preoccupation with needing our identity to continue forever? It's an interesting question.

It seems to me that if we continue, fine, but if not,  we likely will not be aware that we don't exist as a sentient being anymore.  Either way is not so bad in my mind.  Why all the insecurity?  Perhaps it is part of our biology to worry about death and the self.  A survival instinct? 

As Mormons we place an incredible amount of importance on living forever.   Our family's living forever,  Our entire family's right back to the first person.  It becomes a lot of people fairly quickly.  I often wonder about the scalability.  Anyway,  not here to question doctrine, only the preoccupation with permanence.  Why do so many religions worry so much about what happens after death, and how are the ones that don't worry so much about it different?

In some ways when a religion dictates what awaits you forever,  or even just in the next life,  they hold a certain power over you.  If a belief system places more emphasis on happiness now, I would guess it would be easier to verify if it is working for you as you would either be happy or not so much.  Leadership then becomes a lot like herding cats, if everyone can judge for themselves. 

If a person no longer fears death or a negative hereafter, there is a much reduced ability to control them.   Impermanence can be a very liberating feeling.  Even though acknowledgement of impermanence ties us all together, in another way it also frees us to be what we are and not what would be dictated to us.  It allows us to live in the now, to experience the present and not disappear into concerns for the future or regrets from the past.

Beauty in the Flowers of Another Garden

     As Vision says at the end of the second Avenger's movie, "A thing isn't beautiful because it lasts" stating why the humans are worth sparing.  He also makes mention of their mis-perception that order and chaos are opposed which seemed a very Buddhist thing to say.  I find that this sentiment is helpful in appreciating those who may hold different views.   Appreciating the beauty of what they are even though I might disagree.  I had good practice today as it was fast Sunday.
     One can appreciate the flowers of another gardener even though those flowers were not grown by us or might not even be our favorite.  We can appreciate them for what they are.  The man who gets up to talk about the destruction in the last days,  he is very fervent.  He pours forth his heart to all within earshot and ends.  The woman who gets up and talks of the trials she has and the word of God as a two edged sword.  She is sincere,  sincerity is something beautiful even if we disagree.  Another woman with an illness that should have taken her by now expresses gratitude to God that she has lived.   Gratitude is beautiful, and so is devotion to a being of compassion and love.  Flowers blooming on the pulpit.
     I cannot change nor should I, the thoughts and beliefs of others, but I can appreciate their sincerity.  Each month much is the same and yet individualized in nuanced ways within the tolerated spectrum of ideas.  The youth talk about their experiences at camp which touched them deeply.  They are also quite sincere and were obviously quite touched.  They are learning to care and feel cared about.  This is beautiful.  I don't have to agree with them to behold beauty.  I can appreciate beauty in the form even though I might not agree with the content.
     I think this concept is compatible with the principle of non-judgement.  Seeking to understand rather than judge.  Understanding we are all part of a greater whole.  There is a danger in becoming arrogant in this non-judgement of course.  One must not believe that their way is superior to the others as everyone is different and has different experiences.  Each psyche is a mental fingerprint and each has different needs.  There is not one solution for all I believe and I know many will disagree with this and that is fine.  Perhaps they need to believe that to carry on.  I suppose this also is a flower of sorts.
     People coping with life in the best ways they can find,  blooming in their own way.  To some this might be clinging to the concept of permanence in things and solid eternal foundations.  To others this might be impermanence and the constantly changing form of life and the universe.  Each has specific needs.  I find peace in solitude and interaction with others is often painful mentally, so this concept of letting go is of great benefit to me.  Others feed off interactions with others and so permanence in those relationships is of great importance.
     Each flower is different.  Each flower changes and blooms in it's season.  All are beautiful in their individual ways.  All can be appreciated with a bit of non-judgement and a bit of focus on the present moment and not their future or their past.  So I continue to practice,  and perhaps maybe, I may find more contentment in mixing with those who I might disagree with.  I may be wrong,  but I must live for today and not die for tomorrow.  I know many will disagree with that.  That's fine.  I hope we can still be friends.

This Very Moment

This is now.  Not then, not to come.  What we have done affects our present but does not dictate who we are in this moment.  This moment may affect the next or it may not, who can tell what it holds.  We cannot control the past of others which we might have affected or been affected by, but we can try to heal and relieve suffering through what we do now.
70 times 7 equals 490 but ironically it is a number not intended to be taken literally unless someone has developed a pharisaical nature which analyzes every nook and inconsequential cranny of what it means to be righteous.  Forgiveness is very much a now principle I think.  Forgiveness is about letting go ultimately.
Letting go of the irritation at friends who sleep while you weather your darkest hour.  Letting go of leading and demanding well deserved worship.  Letting go of vindictiveness but instead excersizing compassion.  Letting go of controlling the lives of those who you know are about to betray you.  Letting go of the hatred for the soldiers lifting you up on the cross.  Forgiving the debtor and feeling our own release thereby..
To love without price.  How do we show love without price?  This is probably one of life's greatest challenges.  When others pluck the strings of our out of tune soul, shove us out of balance, commit untold tortures up on us wittingly or not.  To love with equanimity.  Not always an easy step,  perhaps like a graceful ballerina we often appreciate the beauty of the finished product and forget the toil and constant training it took to arrive there.  Love with equanimity is such a practice.  Far more beautiful than roses yet destroyed just as easily and slower to grow.
I need to live Now.  Love now.  Love the people surrounding me in the now.  The past does not define who they are now.  The past must not poison the present.  The past is old news, I must let it go to understand the present with equanimity.  To love with equanimity,   and stop shooting myself in the foot.

Hmmm, Buddha and Fowler Stage 6?

So I spent the weekend with kind of a double dose of things I don't necessarily agree with and for the most part, I let it roll over and pass around me.  I will not criticize here or voice my disagreements.  I am an observer, a guest.  I try to view things with what the Buddhist's call equanimity.  To understand both sides.  To me this is to understand that all of this,  belief systems, thoughts, people, are all a natural part of the universe.  There is nothing that is not natural or separate from the Universe.  We are all pieces.  Your piece and my piece are not necessarily better than the other,  the Universe certainly doesn't respect either more than the other as the ultimate end is the same.  This kind of reminds me of Fowler's stage six of stages of faith.

There is one thing I disagree with this chart on.  It makes it look like a progression and that one stage is better than the other.  I don't necessarily think this is true.  Individuals find their needs met by different systems.  Mine happens to be the basic non-supernatural tenets of Buddhism right now (Secular Buddhism).  Could it eventually change?  Well nothing is permanent.  At this moment it is what makes the most sense to me and fulfills my needs.  Which of course, ultimately, are not needs.  How's that for an obscure Zen paradox?

So this community stuff the chart talks about seems a lot like the wider definition of a Sangha or the concept of oneness.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  We become more focused on the whole as opposed to a piece of it.  To some there is a belief that peace is something you are that is given to you  through devotion.  This is fine.  For others peace is something you cultivate, and ultimately, when you are able to accept things, experiences, fate, other people with their idiosyncrasies and beliefs, the natural bi-product is peace to some extent.  Anyway, just some musings today.  Do good, be kind, help where you can, build your community everywhere you go.

Oneness Canoe

Believe it or not this thought occured to me during meditation last night. Having been involved in teaching boy scouts aquatic skills in the past, I am familiar with the problem of two people in a canoe switching places. This usually turns into comedic gold as both plunge into the water in an awkward dance of chaotic flailing. Little known though is that there is a proper way to switch positions in a canoe which avoids this. 

If there is a way to switch positions in a canoe without taking a spill why don't more people do it? Well, the issue lies in people having a tendency to solve problems such as this in a fashion that maintains equality, as two may pass at the same time. Two people pass each other side by side. It happens throughout each day of our lives, one person and another without any sort of thought, naturally avoid crashing into one another or falling down. Each alters their path completely independent of the other to avoid the pain of trying to occupy a space which is mutually exclusive. Life doesn't work that way in a canoe unfortunately. 

Everything about operating a canoe in tandem fashion ties the two operators together. No movement one does is not felt by the other. This often leads to contention, of course. One either learns quickly to work in harmony with their partner or they do not move from the place they are in. So, we start to come to the meat of the matter. This harmony is not accomplished from the the two ego's co-existing. There is no side to side switching of positions. It is only when one lets go of the idea of pride and the concept of self that success is accomplished. The two must function as 1 in cooperation. There is no side by side in the process, only the submission of the one to allow the two to succeed. One must lay down and let the other pass over. The process of laying down creates stability as the center of gravity is lowered. This means that the larger of the two gives the most benefit from submitting to the common good by taking the low role. The strong submits to the weak and both benefit. On the Mormon/Christian side of this it probably most closely approaches selflessness, on the Buddhist side this is oneness. Neither side really sacrifices all for the other but both benefit from the ability to work as one. In fact, even for the canoe to exist much interaction occured to produce it and the materials to build it. Of course there really isn't anyway to not be a part of the great whole. 

We are all part of nature, the planet, the universe and can't change that. What we believe, what we do, what we say, is part of this great whole. These affect us, and all that contacts us. To fight it doesn't really change the nature of it but it does change our own piece of it in a way. To accept and work with it rather than fight it allows a smoother flow and inreased harmony. Ironically, this decreases our personal suffering as well as those around us, so perhaps selflessness is not a complete fit, but neither is selfishness. I guess it is just oneness.

Secret Commonality

General Conference weekend has passed.  Mormons meet bi-annually to hear the words of church leaders.  These talks will become the subjects of sacrament meetings until the next conference.  I won't share my opinions on that, suffice it to say I liked the old system better where the members shared their individual gospel knowledge with each other through preparing their own talks from scratch instead of rehashing what had already been said.  Ah well,  I suppose I am an old fuddy duddy.
That's not the point though.  Things are what they are and things move forward.  If you are reading this blog ,  you know I write about my perspective on the whole thing through my understanding of Buddhist philosophy.  From earlier posts you know my attitude towards missionary work , although I am softening.   It really doesn't affect me after all, and it may be of real benefit to some even if it isn't to others.  The other common subjects of course are obedience, scripture reading, priesthood power and  tithing of course.
I won't go into it all.  You can read the talks on lds.org if you so desire.  As a Mormon who sees things through a Buddhist philosophy I would like to take my subject from a talk Dieter Uchtdorf gave in the priesthood session.
It should not be hidden that I do espouse most of the things Jesus taught.  One of my favorite teachings is the concept of doing good things in secret and not for the purpose of showing off.   The concept of self righteousness is very converselly related and the saduccees and pharisees  took this to a new level, at least as it is recorded in the New Testament.  Inner conversion I think is another area Buddhism and Christianity have some crossover in.  Buddhism is by nature very internal  This doctrine President Uchtdorf addressed  is also very internally centered.  We have right mindedness, right understanding, right thoughts, right meditation, and right intention in the eight fold path.  It would seem half of it is centered on the internal development of a person.  Christianity would say that this is also important for it's believers.
If all this is not to put in harmony the inner self, what is the point really?   Whether you are a believer in God or not,  there really is no point if our belief system does not in some way help us be a better, peaceful person ultimately.  Any belief that does not replenish the believer in some fashion will eventually consume them and then what good are they to their fellow man, or God for that matter?  It's kind of like the good parasite bad parasite thing.  A bad parasite kills it's host and destroys it's own home.  A good one allows the host to continue supplying it with life giving nutrients.  In fact,  we humans actually depend on the bacteria in our intestines to function efficiently and benefit from this relationship even though we are completely unaware of it most of the time.  So too is the mark of a successful belief system for all involved.  Inner peace is important and not necessarily a selfish goal.
How can one who does not have inner peace show another what it is like?  It seems to me it is one of those things that requires example.  So I take this away from conference,  don't be afraid of not being acknowledged by other people,  you don't need that validation.  Truthfully, constantly seeking validation from others is a very unhealthy thing as you will always be pulled this way and that and never quite arriving at a firm footing.  It's actually one of the more damaging things people with OCD struggle with.  Jesus taught about this and President Uchtdorf reminded us of it.  We should not be hollywood prop sets with grand looking fronts and nothing behind them.  This helps no one.  We are all pieces of a vast humanity, and the universe if you take it that far, working to make things a little tidier in our portion of it and by working on the inside we create more strength and harmony on the greater whole we are all connected to.

Harmlessness

Am I better than others? Of course almost everyone says no to this, but do our actions match? To try to bring someone to your side, to condemn another, to take offence, to subjigate, to preach, there are many ways we can place ourselves above another through our actions despite what we think of ourselves. I often am tempted to take offense at others beliefs thinking they are being forced on me as I work to fit in with a system I don't completely agree with anymore.

Am I harmless? To others? To Myself? I am in constant practice. Practicing accepting others opinions and experiences as valid even though they may differ from mine. Have I been successful? Well, uh, no. I AM making progress though. Why do I often feel threatened by others with different viewpoints which may be extremely fulfilling to them, though I may have had a different experience? What makes me so darn special that I should know what is best for everyone else by a perspective generated through my own personal lense? Nothing. 

So knowing this, why is it so hard? I don't think I am alone in this, the world is full of it I think, to the point of people killing each other in the most extreme extents. Is freedom of religion the freedom for everyone to be different, or is it the freedom for everyone to eventually come to the light of my unrestricted belief? I think this is the core. The understanding that what works for me may not work for you and that is fine. With this ingrained, perhaps taking offense would be easier to avoid. Perhaps I would feel less threatened by other's opinions. Perhaps I could peacefully coexist and still be different. Afterall, there is no gun to my head, there is no inquisition, there is goodwill, there is good intent even though I may at times consider it misguided. Would it be different if everyone was aware of my beliefs other than a few? I would hope not. Eventually we will see I suppose as nothing lasts forever, perhaps even time. 

Of course what others think, should not cause me anguish unless they are inflicting real harm on myself or another. Most things have exceptions after all, even if they might be extremely rare. Harmlessness is coexistence in peace with our fellow beings and ourselves. When I stop desiring others to be like me, perhaps I will be killing two birds with one stone (pardon the expression), exhibiting harmlessness to others, and in turn myself.

Rocky Rob and the Ride of Desire

 Does a person who believes in letting go have dreams?  Should they?  Do dreams qualify as desires?   To a person with OCD a dream might easily become an obsession and I find this more often than not is my case.
 Over the last few days I have relaxed my focus on letting go and sure enough I got pulled in by a challenge on a fitness site I frequent.  A day or two later I wondered why my stress level and anxiety had increased.  I find this quite interesting.   Of course, one must do some planning ahead for things.  You can't just run off on a world trip without some arrangements.  A simple 2 hour activity should not be so consuming though.  It should not leave one with a lower mental stability than what was there before.  It should help in the long run before and after and not hinder.   This is where the dream/desire becomes a negative sum for me.
 What do I do?  The challenge itself is a good thing,  it's completely doable easily with little planning in actuality, and it turns out even when I complete it I can't afford the pricey swag I am then allowed to buy to show for it..  It boils down to how I see it.  Some challenges truly are beyond my scope and would derail me if I tried to get back in the running on them,  but this one is pretty simple.  I must see it for what it is.  A simple adventure and not an opportunity to wallow in my self grandiosity, dreaming of the ultimate ride to make all others envious, and in all likelyhood overextend myself and create feelings of inadequacy comparing myself to others and my inability to train properly due to life as I know it.
 Adventure,  yeah I called it an adventure.  I thrive on exploration and adventure.  I think the problem is when the adventure takes on expedition proportions.  When my desires start to steer my life away from the things I need to do to maintain emotional stability.  This is the challenge.  When time starts slipping and old habits return and meditation gets pushed back until it has to be abandoned for sleep.  Life needs spaces of simplicity,  meditation is one of those things,  just sit , feel, and observe.
 It is often surprising how often we know what works for us and we choose something else in the moment.   Moments become days, and days become months, time slips by.  In the end it will pass and we will move on to other states, sentient or not.  Choosing the best for each moment we are given is almost impossible if we don't pay attention to it. So, I have prepared for something pretty near to the original, but toned down a bit, however, I will not have any issue changing plans if it doesn't work out.  This is not a world premier but merely a passing street musician, isn't it the constant flow of simple things that continually sustain us in the end day in and day out?  The big things are so quickly dropped into the past and we are left again as before.       

Right Action, Right Effort?

      Well, the topic this week was missionary work again and I think I've already gone into that.  They DID however talk about justserve.org in Sunday School.  It's a website dedicated to hooking volunteers and service opportunities up.  Hmmm.  The church is only mentioned in small letters on the bottom of the page without yellow name-tags or self promotion.  This might be something good.         Jesus was big on doing good deeds not to be known of man for them, but just because they were good in God's eyes.  I'm pretty much on board with this except I would add one should do good because we are all in this together no matter who's religion is really the right one or if they are all wrong.  I believe this is the ultimate definition of morality.
      Love and Fear are two motivator's for doing good.  Love and fear of God,  love and fear of our fellow man,  love and fear of nature, love and fear of ourselves?  What is the right motivation?  The end result of good actions are of course good but I suppose the motivation will determine if we grow or change as an individual.  Fear as a motivator I think would only help us become more deeply entrenched in our ways.  Love, depending on who it was directed at, I think is a net positive effect.  We grow personally because we see the benefit of our actions on other people because of positive feelings and not for the sole reason we were told to do it or we would burn in hell.  Karma, Hell, Buddhists and Christians both lean on the concept.  Secular Buddhists on the other hand, try to make this life as good as possible and the motivations are to seek to make the most good by means of loving kindness and a practice of helping others with hands on methods devoid of supernatural interference.
      In essence, our actions and efforts define what we physically are.  In many ways we each find our own way to the target.  There are lots of good people in the world and I would argue, done with loving kindness,   good actions and good effort are pretty universal.  One can see in most religions the pharisee type believer who only does good to be seen and not for true benefit to others and ultimately self.  This would not be right action or right effort.  They would accomplish little for the person or others, doing such practices other than to give them their own fleeting moment of fame perhaps.  Right action and right effort would be the path that would not necessarily puff one up but would develop their world around them for the benefit of all,  not just the self,  which of course,  from the Buddhist perspective,  does not exist.  :)

Non-Judgement, Harmlessness

       A good person is a good person.  A bad person could have been a good one yesterday, or could be a good one tomorrow.   Why are they bad?  Are they causing suffering to others?  To us?  Are they different?  Why would different be bad if they weren't doing the other things?
       I don't think Christ was completely anti-judgement but I do think he was as far as mortals among themselves go.   How does one judge the enemy they are supposed to love?  I think true Christianity and original Buddhism overlap here.
       Charity, loving kindness, empathy, forgiving, these are virtues both schools of thought encourage.  The earnest Christian through love of Christ and his children (or brothers and sisters for Mormons)  practices these things.  The Buddhist upon realizing we are all connected, practices these things to relieve suffering which theoretically we all share in some way.
       It is the actions that make the person.  Good acts are good acts no matter the source.  One can get their morality through fear or love of a being, or one can develop morality for the point of doing good for the benefit of all that surrounds us.  If done in earnestness and respect, the end result is the same as far as the external results, and to a point, the inner as well depending on our tendencies.
      On the universal scale, who is qualified to judge?  For Christians this is ultimately Christ, who they believe created and runs the Universe.  Yes, I think his qualifications are good according to that standard.   On the side of the philosophy of "is" or the strictly observable, who indeed is qualified to ultimately judge?  I suppose dischord, and suffering will judge those who desire that which is not good.   These things also visit the mindful,  but the well practiced, theoretically will know how to let it pass and observe it as it goes or transforms into something we understand.
       People judge.  It's a natural tendency fueled quite often by desire.  A desire to build oneself up or put another down or dominate.  The judged and judge, both will return to atoms ultimately.  A little more harmony or peace in the universe spread by a good person who didn't get consumed in judging will leave behind something longer lasting I think.

Adversity, Diversity, Dukkha (Suffering)

     Today in Sacrament meeting there was a lot of talk of enduring through adversity.  Adversity, Sacrifice, long suffering,  these are terms that are bandied about.  I am fascinated by the ways that Christianity (and Mormonism as well) handles this as opposed to Buddhism.  Again,  I don't mean to suggest one is better than the other here,  the world is full of diversity in thought, color, culture, orientation,  you name it,  there is a vast collection of it.  To me this means not one thing is going to benefit everyone.  We are amazingly diverse in our intellect and what motivates us,  what makes us tick.  So I come to find that the term "Different Strokes for Different Folks"  is actually a very astute bit of wisdom.  So, indeed, the difference in the way suffering is handled between the two philosophies fascinates me.
     It was High Council Sunday and the speaker went into the Liberty Jail period for Joseph Smith.  I won't go into depth other than to say it is fascinating to hear things knowing that there are two sides to every story, Joseph Smith's included.  That's neither here nor there but the lamentation of Joseph set into the Doctrine and Covenants which lays out the hope that Joseph will be better off for his experience and obtain great rewards,  and his captors would be punished suitably lays out the position of hope during trials to one day have something better if we are faithful and good enough to stick with it,  have a good attitude, and keep towing the line so to speak.  This works for many,  and many is the person who has done great things in that hope.  Many is the person who finds the constant tasks and work fulfilling and rewarding to keep their mind strong in the face of trials.  I find, as in many things in my life, that I am a little different.  Sometimes this is good,  and sometimes this brings on uncomfortable situations as I find my perspective differs.  Enter Buddhism.
     Buddhism attacks this issue from the opposite end.  Suffering is not something to be endured,  but is something to be analyzed and processed.  Good and bad,  these are items that really have no meaning in the Buddhist perspective.  There is life, and there is suffering, Crap Happens.  Cycles come and go,  we process it all continually and work to minimize suffering for us and those around us.  There is a lot of emphasis on the mind in this process.   Right view,  right intention, right mindfulness, and right concentration, these make up half of the eight fold path.
     Christians use faith as the vehicle to hope that one day all will be right,  and Buddhists work on making today right through accepting that everything is connected and we deserve nothing.  We work on becoming able to handle life and work with, and accept what crap falls into our corner of the universe.  This is me.  I can no longer wait for deliverance or postpone my healing until some other entity is ready to make it all right.  It doesn't work that way for me.  It does for others though and I am happy for them.
     So, there is suffering.  Joseph Smith suffered.  How much of this was tied into his own desire is very much in the eye of the beholder.  Some hold onto faith in him.  This is fine.  Right or wrong there really is nothing we can do about him now.  If the church he founded works for some,  that is wonderful.  I suffer, I desire,  I judge, but I am working on releasing this.  I attempt to analyze the moments one by one.  For some, I understand and some are harder to catch.  I do find the value of letting go is very precious indeed.  To love those who find peace in a different belief, those who might disagree with my perspective, who life has blessed with a different one.  To accept the untold diverse pieces of the sentient universe who I am connected to.  To accept suffering, to understand it, and to let it pass.

Phenomena

     It is an un-special special meeting this week in church.  Special because there is a missionary who is leaving to the mission field speaking,  and also one returning home.  Un-Special because Mormon's aren't supposed to have special meetings for missionaries leaving and returning home with 400 family members and friends in attendance.  The sacrament has to be blessed twice as they run out.
     We partake of the sacrament to remember our dependence on the Savior.  To look outside for deliverance for the consequences of our deeds.  To receive the outside influence of the spirit to our insides to guide us in the path.  We look outward for a change within.  The boys slowly work their way around the congregation, bread and water release people from the chains of bondage.  Whence come the chains?
     Weekly there is a constant promise of reward and a re-commitment to follow. To hand our choices and feelings to above, and soak in what we are supposed to feel.  All this to ultimately have our consequences. taken away. Dependence always from the outside and above.  Always it seems we are nothing,  and yet the universe was created for us.  But was it? What if this dependence on another fails for some and doesn't work?
      Missionaries....I have oft been repulsed by the idea in the recent years.  The audacity of one person to actively push upon another their idea of what is best.  I wrestle with this.  But maybe I shouldn't.  Everyone is free to listen or ignore.  Some may find contentment in that path, and some may not.   Man has had religion for centuries and it quite possibly is an evolutionary trait that helps man to work as a group rather than an individual.  This trait moves him up the food chain.   Perhaps it is natural to believe in external religious phenomena. Then again,  if it is only a property of our nature, does not this ring a little hollow in the ultimate purpose of the universe?  If we by our very belief that the universe was created for us, in fact prove ourselves as just being a natural piece of it in so doing?
      Perhaps we are not so much separate entities from the universe as we would like to believe.  Perhaps we are the universe itself.  A sentient portion of the universe whose atoms ebb and flow with time from elements to sentient elements and back to elements.

A New Perspective

      Welcome to my blog fair readers.  This is an exploration into my experience of looking back into an old experience from the eyes of a new perspective.  A picture of the earth from the moon if you will.  An exploration of a man who lost his belief and observes it from the eyes of a new philosophy as he continues supporting his family through participation.
       This is not an angry blog, I fortunately have moved past that stage.  It is also not a blog about discussing all the shortcomings of Mormonism.   I firmly believe everyone needs to eat their own apples, so you must walk your own path there my friend,  some embark on it well prepared,  and some are thrown into it by jarring occurrences that strike them to the very core of their existence.  I am a victim of the latter,  or am I a receiver of a great gift or insight?  I suppose that all remains to be seen.
       So through a life of trying to understand God and ultimately failing or succeeding (depending on your perspective), I arrive at the philosophy of "is".  Things are what they are.  The universe continues on it's way and we are just pieces of it having very little control over it or our very lives.  No hard statistics to show that believers get any more perks or health than others, outside of the benefits of socializing with like minded people.
       I find myself with a very Buddhist philosophy these days.   A Secular Buddhist philosophy.  I don't believe in the metaphysical or non-provable items.  I do practice mindfulness meditation and the tricky art of letting go.  The four noble truths and the eight fold path make a lot of sense to me and the belief in "impermanence" and "all phenomena are empty" is something I have had since my teens.
       I write this so the reader understands the lens through which I am observing things now.  I look back at the items that reduced me to what I was at my darkest hour and I understand how they accomplished that by examining them with my new glasses.  I don't mean to say one system is better than the other, I should mention here.   I only find I am more healthy taking in some of  the Buddhist philosophies.
       So much in life is centered on desire.  We desire our families to come to our part of heaven.   We are expected to desire our inactive home teaching families to come to church.  We are expected to desire to have missionary experiences.  We desire people we know to join our church.  We desire people we don't know to join our church.  We desire our sons to get the Priesthood and serve missions.  We desire our daughters to marry in the temple (sons too).   We desire to be better when we are told it isn't good enough.  We desire peace when we are constantly attending meetings, indexing, home teaching an ever increasing pool of families, taking kids to mutual (youth activities),  we desire healing balm for our mental wounds and rejuvenation each week,  we desire meaningful answers to priesthood blessings without having to make up some excuse as to why it didn't turn out as expected, we desire a lot of things us Mormons.
       I come to understand a bit why I was suffering.  Life is suffering, desire causes suffering, we can overcome desire/subdue it.  I let it go.  I am learning to say no.  I am learning I can't control whether other people suffer or not,  they do that through their desires.  I can help where I can to ease discomfort, but I am not responsible for other's desire's for me.
       So today I sit, finding my mind and body through releasing judgement for a space and observing what is there.  I sit in church and observe the people who run around in constant motion running their individual pieces of the kingdom of God and holding comforting thoughts of a better life after death.  Some of them are compatible with the demands and find joy and fulfillment in their efforts to affect other's lives willing or not,  and some plod along, executing endless actions commanded of them but not getting as much out of it, betting it will be better in the next life.  So I observe,  and hopefully without too much judgement.