Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Lots of talk about trial and suffering and peace in Sunday School.  All the answers were external of course except for prayer,  prayer is almost a hybrid between external and internal and can arguably be called a form of meditation.  There was talk of the temple bringing peace and this caused me to think.  I have indeed found the temple to be a peaceful place.   The question of course is,  was this because that was a place I stopped to meditate and think about things other than the day to day tasks,  or due to some real outside influence?

Back in the day I would feel the same peace just before drifting off to sleep after saying my prayers, and admittedly, even without the latter I still feel the same thing when drifting off.  I often get the same peace sitting on the zafu (meditation cushion),  or even taking a moment off to the side to slow down and meditate.  I am no longer continually chasing peace as a result of  continuing the constant mutual reassurances among the group  telling each other it is true and brings peace.   Well,  whether it is true/factual or not, I don't find that all the constant meetings and the constant visiting people to checkup on them once a month and getting constantly harangued about not doing more has brought me peace.  I find that the more honest I become with myself in this matter, the more peace I feel.

Of course, this places me in opposition to my tribe.  I am the sore thumb.  I am the one sitting in the congregation smiling up at the leaders on the stand with their responsible scowls.  One thing I will say for Elder Perry,  he had a smile on his face and he looked happy,  even when he was on the stand. I don't know what the scowl means.  It might just be their "stand" face, I have seen them smiling elsewhere.  It is not for me to speculate if they are truly happy, at peace,  or being dishonest with themselves.  I am honest with myself and I have peace.  Happiness comes, trial comes, satisfaction comes, hardship comes, there is want,  there is need, there is plenty  all of this is fine.  It's what is and I accept that.  People are what they are.  If they want to know what helps me,  I will tell them,  but I will not push them to do anything,  I am no expert in their life,  their experiences, their desires,  their passions, their sufferings, that is a position only they hold.  I am satisfied and at peace being me.

Question Everything

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

Siddhartha Gautama-Buddha

I thought of this quote on Sunday.  I can't really remember what the speakers talked about.   I remember disagreeing with much of it.  Primarily I noticed that things they talked about in the beginning of their talks contradicted the endings somewhat.  Sometimes I think in this life we get into an "Emperors New Clothes" mentality.  We learn to think that the 1st modus operandi for us is to not question those we view as being in authority.  The Milgram experiments and many that follow can illuminate quite a bit on the dangers of this.  There is not a lot of direction in the New Testament about following your leaders even when they are wrong.  There is quite a bit about having an internal moral compass and reigning condemnation on those in authority.  

Anyway,  I digress.  I find a different world through observation and questioning.  Questioning motives, questioning logic, questioning reasons,  questioning results, and questioning authority.  My results personally have come out on a different side than everyone else's.   Sometimes I was right sometimes they were.  Logic dictates that authority should always be right if they are to always be followed without question.  So there is an issue there.   I was torn in two ways for a long time and I am coming to understand why.  If you have the same perspective  as your leaders do, then it is easier to be happy patting each other on the back in your common view.  If your revelation differs from others fairly regularly?  Well that makes life difficult in a world when everyone is supposed to have revelation but the revelation is only true if it matches the next in line of authority whose revelation is only true if it is in line with the next in line in authority and so on.  

So I am left questioning, in an effort to continue in a path of inner peace and contentment.   Not that there aren't hiccups.  There are just no longer 95% hiccups and are now closer to 5% hiccups.  I can sit in church and allow myself to disagree,  I can serve where I see a need for service,  I can be free to choose to be good for good's sake in a way I am capable of,  in a sustainable way considering my circumstances, in a genuine way, not a way that requires fighting myself and creating inner discord.

So through questioning I begin to understand.  Through questioning and allowing myself to accept the answer and not dismissing it as wrong because someone else thinks it is, I find truth may be hard to stomach at times, but it usually brings about peace once accepted.  Peace that comes from within constantly replenishes when accepted for what it is and desire doesn't interfere.  As opposed to peace that comes from without,  which can be variable as we move through the various situations of life.