Phenomena

     It is an un-special special meeting this week in church.  Special because there is a missionary who is leaving to the mission field speaking,  and also one returning home.  Un-Special because Mormon's aren't supposed to have special meetings for missionaries leaving and returning home with 400 family members and friends in attendance.  The sacrament has to be blessed twice as they run out.
     We partake of the sacrament to remember our dependence on the Savior.  To look outside for deliverance for the consequences of our deeds.  To receive the outside influence of the spirit to our insides to guide us in the path.  We look outward for a change within.  The boys slowly work their way around the congregation, bread and water release people from the chains of bondage.  Whence come the chains?
     Weekly there is a constant promise of reward and a re-commitment to follow. To hand our choices and feelings to above, and soak in what we are supposed to feel.  All this to ultimately have our consequences. taken away. Dependence always from the outside and above.  Always it seems we are nothing,  and yet the universe was created for us.  But was it? What if this dependence on another fails for some and doesn't work?
      Missionaries....I have oft been repulsed by the idea in the recent years.  The audacity of one person to actively push upon another their idea of what is best.  I wrestle with this.  But maybe I shouldn't.  Everyone is free to listen or ignore.  Some may find contentment in that path, and some may not.   Man has had religion for centuries and it quite possibly is an evolutionary trait that helps man to work as a group rather than an individual.  This trait moves him up the food chain.   Perhaps it is natural to believe in external religious phenomena. Then again,  if it is only a property of our nature, does not this ring a little hollow in the ultimate purpose of the universe?  If we by our very belief that the universe was created for us, in fact prove ourselves as just being a natural piece of it in so doing?
      Perhaps we are not so much separate entities from the universe as we would like to believe.  Perhaps we are the universe itself.  A sentient portion of the universe whose atoms ebb and flow with time from elements to sentient elements and back to elements.

A New Perspective

      Welcome to my blog fair readers.  This is an exploration into my experience of looking back into an old experience from the eyes of a new perspective.  A picture of the earth from the moon if you will.  An exploration of a man who lost his belief and observes it from the eyes of a new philosophy as he continues supporting his family through participation.
       This is not an angry blog, I fortunately have moved past that stage.  It is also not a blog about discussing all the shortcomings of Mormonism.   I firmly believe everyone needs to eat their own apples, so you must walk your own path there my friend,  some embark on it well prepared,  and some are thrown into it by jarring occurrences that strike them to the very core of their existence.  I am a victim of the latter,  or am I a receiver of a great gift or insight?  I suppose that all remains to be seen.
       So through a life of trying to understand God and ultimately failing or succeeding (depending on your perspective), I arrive at the philosophy of "is".  Things are what they are.  The universe continues on it's way and we are just pieces of it having very little control over it or our very lives.  No hard statistics to show that believers get any more perks or health than others, outside of the benefits of socializing with like minded people.
       I find myself with a very Buddhist philosophy these days.   A Secular Buddhist philosophy.  I don't believe in the metaphysical or non-provable items.  I do practice mindfulness meditation and the tricky art of letting go.  The four noble truths and the eight fold path make a lot of sense to me and the belief in "impermanence" and "all phenomena are empty" is something I have had since my teens.
       I write this so the reader understands the lens through which I am observing things now.  I look back at the items that reduced me to what I was at my darkest hour and I understand how they accomplished that by examining them with my new glasses.  I don't mean to say one system is better than the other, I should mention here.   I only find I am more healthy taking in some of  the Buddhist philosophies.
       So much in life is centered on desire.  We desire our families to come to our part of heaven.   We are expected to desire our inactive home teaching families to come to church.  We are expected to desire to have missionary experiences.  We desire people we know to join our church.  We desire people we don't know to join our church.  We desire our sons to get the Priesthood and serve missions.  We desire our daughters to marry in the temple (sons too).   We desire to be better when we are told it isn't good enough.  We desire peace when we are constantly attending meetings, indexing, home teaching an ever increasing pool of families, taking kids to mutual (youth activities),  we desire healing balm for our mental wounds and rejuvenation each week,  we desire meaningful answers to priesthood blessings without having to make up some excuse as to why it didn't turn out as expected, we desire a lot of things us Mormons.
       I come to understand a bit why I was suffering.  Life is suffering, desire causes suffering, we can overcome desire/subdue it.  I let it go.  I am learning to say no.  I am learning I can't control whether other people suffer or not,  they do that through their desires.  I can help where I can to ease discomfort, but I am not responsible for other's desire's for me.
       So today I sit, finding my mind and body through releasing judgement for a space and observing what is there.  I sit in church and observe the people who run around in constant motion running their individual pieces of the kingdom of God and holding comforting thoughts of a better life after death.  Some of them are compatible with the demands and find joy and fulfillment in their efforts to affect other's lives willing or not,  and some plod along, executing endless actions commanded of them but not getting as much out of it, betting it will be better in the next life.  So I observe,  and hopefully without too much judgement.